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I went deeper into something I see all the time with working moms, the default parent dynamic - and the part no one really talks about: how it impacts your relationship. If you’ve ever felt that quiet resentment building, or caught yourself thinking “why do I have to ask?”, this episode will hit home. I walk through the shift from trying to control your partner to actually leading change in your home, and why that’s the only way this dynamic truly transforms.
In this episode, we unpack:
Why “getting him to help” is the wrong question
The hidden relationship tension behind being the default parent
The shift from dictator to leader in your home
How to take ownership without taking all the blame
What it actually takes to change this dynamic long-term
Work with me:
Ambitious & Balanced: www.rebeccaolsoncoaching.com/ambitiousandbalanced
Book your Break Free From Stress Strategy Call (with free Quiz!): www.ambitiousandbalanced.com/break-free-from-stress
Transcript
Welcome to the Ambitious and Balanced Working Moms podcast, your go to resource for integrating your career ambitions with life as a mom, I'm distilling down thousands of coaching conversations I've had with working moms just like you, along with my own personal experience as a mom of two and sharing the most effective tools and strategies to help you quickly feel calm, confident, and in control of your ambitious working mom life. You ready? Let's get to it.
The Default Parent Dynamic in Real Time
I want to start with a moment that might feel really familiar, right?
Your kid is calling you and your partner, your spouse, from the other room. Mom, dad. Mom, dad. Hello?
You hear it, of course, immediately, right? Of course you do. But you pause just a second because you're thinking, maybe this time he'll get it. Maybe this time my partner will answer, right?
And you wait, and you wait, and then nothing. And it's like they don't even register that the child is asking for something.
And now you're standing there thinking, do I say something? Do I let this go? Do I point it out? Do I ask them to go take care of it? And if I do, is it about to turn into, like, a whole thing if I do?
Because this is part of being the default parent that no one talks about, right?
It's not just about the logistics. It's not just about the mental load. It's what is happening inside your relational dynamic as well.
The resentments, the second guessing, the walking on eggshells, trying not to sound like you're nagging, while also feeling like you shouldn't have to ask in the first place.
And even if you know that this is something you want to change, actually changing it is likely going to create tension and conflict in a way that you really don't want.
That's where so many women get stuck. And that's what we're going to talk about today.
Why This Conversation Matters More Than Ever
Now, if you've been following along in this podcast, the last several weeks, we've been talking about being the default parent and why women tend to be the default parent. And last time, last week at least, we focused on the things that you can do to stop being the default household manager, the default parent.
But this week, we're digging into something that, to be honest, I didn't anticipate talking about when I was planning the series. But it sort of feels like the elephant in the room, which is how to work with your partner to change this dynamic.
“Why Do I Have to Ask?” The Resentment Loop No One Talks About
Because the reality is, even if you delegate ownership of tasks and have dozens of conversations with your partner around the things that they're going to do and the things that you're going to do, at the end of the day, they may or may not do those things. You don't ever get to control whether they do the things that they say they're gonna do, right?
So that, of course, this dynamic happens and then resentment builds when that's the case, and you either turn into a nagging wife that you don't wanna be, or you remain silent and you just dig deeper into a resentment hole.
So then, not only are you feeling sort of buried by the mental load and serving the role of household manager and default parent, which of course in and of itself is exhausting, but now you're adding into this relational dynamic that's going to eat away your marriage or your relationship over time.
The Hard Truth About Getting Your Partner to Change
So obviously I have conversations around this all of the time with my one on one clients in my group program, Ambitious and Balanced, because this is a big piece of the puzzle, right? And often it comes like this when a client brings it up:
I shouldn't have to ask.
Why don't they just see it?
Why do I always have to ask them to do something?
Why don't they take initiative?
There's this resentment, there's an immense amount of frustration, and a feeling of being alone, and sometimes even a little bit helpless because you ultimately can't change them.
And so then the question that my clients often bring up is this: how do I get them to help out more and do more around the house and share more in the household tasks without it turning into a fight or without me nagging them all of the time?
And so I want to hone in on this question real fast because my little spidey sense, or my like coach ears, sort of perk up when I hear a question like this.
Because you can never get someone else to do anything, right? You don't get to control whether your partner or spouse helps out more, keeps their end of the bargain, follows through with the thing that they say they're going to follow through with, or cleans the house in the way that you've asked them to a million times, or put away their shoes in the exact spot you've created for them to put them away.
In the same way you can never get your kids to do anything. And I would imagine you know more than anyone else that that's true, right?
Trying to force your kid to clean their room or eat their vegetables or do their homework or go to bed at a certain time, or brush their teeth, or come to you when you're just trying to put on their shoes, right? Forcing them to do anything almost never works. It creates a fighting dynamic, you against them.
Stop Trying to “Get Them to Change”: Lead the Shift Instead
So even framing the question like this, how do I get my partner to X, Y, or Z? You're setting yourself up for failure. You can influence, you can guide, but you can't force.
So what we're really talking about here is more leadership than dictatorship. That's how I want you to think about it, because up till this point, you have perhaps been the dictator to your spouse. What they should do, when they should do it, right?
I don't like people telling me what I'm supposed to do and when I'm supposed to do it. I don't like people trying to force me or nag me into doing something. Obviously, you don't either, and neither does your spouse.
The pattern becomes very predictable when your approach is like a dictator. You sort of hold it in and resentment builds until you can't hold it in anymore. And so you bring it up, right? But then it comes out sort of sharp or sort of loaded in a way that you don't mean it to. And then, of course, your partner gets defensive, and so then there's conflict or there's like a complete shutdown, right? And then, of course, you sort of give up and there's more resentment, and nothing changes, right?
So a better question is, how do I help shift the dynamic in my relationship with my spouse or my partner so that I don't carry the responsibility of the entire household?
Now, we're actually framing a question in a way that you can answer, where there's a solution, in a way that you have as much control as possible. We're talking about how you can show up as the leader in this moment, as the co-owner of the shift in dynamic.
Step One: See the Full Picture Before Trying to Fix the Dynamic
So step one, as a leader through this dynamic shift, is to step back and see the fuller picture of what's going on in this challenge. I hate to frame it in this way, but it might help your mind kind of build some structure around it. But I want you to think about this like it was a challenging employee that you were managing, right.
If you were going to lead or manage an employee that was particularly challenging or was struggling with work performance, how would you do that, right? Likely you would step back and you'd gather all the facts, right?
Why Moms Become the Default Parent: The Pattern Started Early
Now, in the first episode of this little default parent miniseries, I talked about all the reasons why women tend to become the default parent. And to be honest, that really gives you a lot of the facts of this situation.
Right from the moment our babies are born, we are the default parent, right? When the baby needs to be fed or the diaper changed, likely we did it partially or mostly because we wanted to, because we were falling in love with this tiny human and we wanted to be everything for them.
And then of course, if you were breastfeeding, you naturally had the food for the child, and so you were the only one that could do that. And so it was feeding and changing and putting to sleep. And then of course there's hormones that are raging through us that then give us this instinct to want to respond to their cries in a way that, to be honest, men just don't experience.
So this dynamic was created earlier on, and it had us responding to the kids' needs. And then of course, we honed in on that skill over the years. And our partners, they didn't get as much practice. They tended to step in when we asked them to step in, and so they didn't develop the instinct in the same way that we did.
And then of course we sort of developed a standard for how we wanted things to be done, and a standard for how to take care of them and when to respond. But we never really communicated that, likely, to our partners. And so they fundamentally have a different way of doing things.
And so we just found it easier for us to do the task and to do the things than delegate it.
Reframing the Story: It’s Not That They Won’t, It’s How the Pattern Was Built
And early on, when our kids are babies, that was pretty simple. Notice that this is likely a very different story than you've been telling yourself. These are very different facts than you've been telling yourself about being the default parent.
It's not that they can't or they won't, or that they're lazy or that they're incapable or that they can't see it. But notice that when you frame the facts in the way that I narrate the story to you, it immediately frames the challenge in a completely different way.
So step one, as the leader instead of the dictator in this dynamic shift, is to get your facts straight so that you make sure you are actually addressing the challenges and the problems at the heart of where they are.
Take Ownership Without Taking the Blame: Your Role in the Dynamic
Leadership step number two in permanently shifting this dynamic with your partner is to take ownership over the part that is yours. It's not all their fault.
You also have been unwilling to let go of expectations, unwilling to let them try and fail, chasing ease and comfort in the dynamic, in your relational dynamic instead of lasting change, right? You haven't really shown up as the best leader in these moments, just like they haven't really shown up as the best pupil or best leader in these moments, right? It's created a dynamic that has been challenging for change.
Now, I'm not suggesting you take blame. Again, I don't think the facts show that it's you against them. But you have had a part in this. You have likely sort of played games that you didn't even realize you were playing.
Like, why doesn't he just know? Shouldn't he just know what needs to happen with his kid? I mean, he's the parent too, right?
We do this a lot in our relational dynamics where we want our spouse or our partner to just know what we need, to read our minds, to read our kids' minds. Wouldn't that be nice if they were able to do that, right?
But unfortunately, that isn't a superpower that humans possess.
Stop Expecting Mind-Reading: Ask for Ownership Instead of Hoping They “Just Know”
Let me give you an example of this. We, in our family, we recently adopted two new cats. And really my husband is more of the cat person than I am, but we've had them for a couple of weeks now. And I realized that I have started to think about what we're going to do with them, like their needs, what vet are we going to take them to, when is their next flea application, do we even have that, do we need to order that, we need to change over their microchips, like all of these little tasks that are associated with now having cats.
But I don't really want to do any of that. I don't want that responsibility. I have so many other responsibilities that I take ownership over, and I can't actually assume that my husband is thinking about any of that either.
So rather than let him read my mind or just hope that he takes care of it, which is going to build some resentment towards him, I just asked if he would take ownership over it. Not just like right now, the tasks that need to get done today, but like forever. Can he just own the cats and all of their needs, from making sure that they're regularly getting their flea medication or their shots or whatever they need, to buying their cat food, all the things, right?
I just don't want to think about it. I don't want to own those tasks. And so I just asked him directly because I wanted to make sure that I was clear in what I was asking and I wasn't assuming that he was sort of reading my mind or reading the situation, right?
Step Two: Stop Expecting Mind-Reading and Start Leading with Directness
So step two is to take ownership over the challenges that you have participated in creating this dynamic in your relationship. Essentially, stop wanting them to read your mind. Be more direct. Be willing to face the conflict if it comes to that.
Set Realistic Expectations
And the next point I want to make, the third point about being a good leader in this dynamic, is to have realistic expectations about the process, right?
Shifting the leadership dynamic within your household, where your kids go to your spouse just as much as they do you, where your spouse takes ownership and initiates ownership over certain tasks, that's not going to happen overnight. Might not even happen over the course of a year, likely.
You've been in this dynamic now for a long time, maybe since the kids have been born, maybe before the kids have been born, right? So realistic expectations. These are not one and done conversations. There is going to be discomfort in this process.
You're going to ask for things and then they're not going to do it, and then you're going to have to figure out how to ask again in a different way, right? You're going to have to want to nag him and then not nag him. You're going to have to hold yourself back from doing that task yourself. None of that's easy.
And conflict is likely, but it's likely been the avoidance of conflict with your partner that's actually gotten you to this point.
In the same way, if you want to build up your team to take more initiative, take more ownership over the projects, to stop coming to you for decisions all of the time, then you're going to have to get out of the way. You're going to have to let them figure it out, make decisions, maybe even fail at those decisions.
That's what a good leader would do if they were building up their team.
So leadership lesson number three in this dynamic is to be realistic with how long it's going to take to make this change. It's not going to happen overnight.
The last leadership framing that I want to offer to you to help you permanently shift the default parent dynamic within your relationship is to view this as co-creation. Again, we're getting away from dictating or sort of top-down leadership to co-leadership.
Building a True Partnership at Home
That means you have to ask them their opinion. They get to weigh in on how things should be done. You have to let them make the decision. Sometimes you have to let things happen their way. You have to not blame them for the dynamic. You have to constantly zoom out and look at the bigger picture of what you want and why you want this type of partnership.
I remember a client of mine who was in one of the Ambitious and Balanced cohorts this past year. She had a really hard time coming home from work travel trips because inevitably the house would be a bit of a mess. And then she would spend, like, hours getting things resorted, cleaned up, and it was exhausting from all this travel.
She didn't really want to come home and spend all of this time, like, cleaning the house and putting things back in order. She wanted to spend time with her family, but she was so consumed by getting the household back on track that it sort of distracted her. Cleaning off the counters, doing the dishes, picking up the house, checking in on tasks and chores that needed to get done, teacher dynamics that needed to be attended to.
So we coached and had this conversation multiple times to really hone in on what it would look like for her to double down on just a few priorities that she would request of her family, like the ones that were most important, and what it would look like for her to step into her home and prioritize connection instead of jumping right into cleaning and organizing.
And, boy, did she see a major difference when she was able to do this for herself, for her family. Everybody felt different when she came home from these work trips once she was able to let go of some things and really focus on the things that matter to her.
You’re Avoiding the Tension That Creates Change
And so, as I wrap this up, here's what I really want you to take away from this episode. If you've been trying to change this dynamic without any tension and without things getting uncomfortable and without rocking the boat, that's exactly why it likely hasn't changed.
Because this isn't about asking for more help. It's about leading a shift. And leadership doesn't look like controlling everything, and it doesn't look like dictating how everything needs to go. It looks like being clear with what you want. It looks like staying true to the facts. It looks like being willing to feel a little discomfort, taking ownership for the ways that you have created this dynamic without backing off the change that you actually want.
Disrupting the Pattern Will Feel Uncomfortable (And That’s How You Know It’s Working)
And yes, there's going to be moments where it feels a little tense, where it doesn't land perfectly with your partner, where your partner doesn't do something immediately and you get frustrated. That doesn't mean they're incapable. It doesn't mean, you know, throw your hands up in the air, you should just do it anyway.
It just means you're disrupting a pattern that has been running for a long time.
And so instead of asking, how do I get them to do more around the house or take ownership, whatever it is, I want you to start asking, how do I lead this in a way that actually creates change, where they actually might hear what I have to say?
Because the goal here isn't to keep everything smooth. It's impossible when we're changing a dynamic like this. The goal is to create a partnership where you're not carrying this alone.
Ready to Lead This Shift? Here’s Your Next Step
And if you're listening to this and you're realizing, okay, I get this, I've been a dictator, I want to be a leader, but you don't exactly know how to do that in your relational dynamic, that is exactly what we would do together.
Inside my Break Free from Stress Strategy Call, we would look at your specific dynamic, like what's keeping you stuck, what's driving your resentment, what is the shift that actually needs to look like for you, and how do you do it so that you don't just walk away with awareness, you walk away with a path forward.
You can grab a Break Free from Stress Strategy Call spot by going into the link in the show notes. This is the last week where I am promoting these calls, and then I will be shutting them down.
So if you have been wanting to connect with me over a really strategic call where we are digging deep into what is going on for you and actually making strides toward change, I encourage you right now to find that link. Book your call today.
All right, working moms, until next week, let's get to it.
Ending Every Day Feeling Behind?
Hey, before you go, quick question. Are you ending most days feeling behind? No matter how much you get done?
If this is happening right now, it's not a time management problem. It's a pattern. And stress patterns don't fix themselves. They compound.
Most working moms don't actually need more time. They need to feel back in control.
Inside my Break Free from Stress Strategy Call, we spend 30 focused minutes identifying exactly what is driving your overwhelm and mapping out a clear shift, so you stop reacting and start leading your life again.
If you're tired of white-knuckling your weeks, don't put this off. Go to the show notes and click on the Break Free from Stress Strategy Call link to schedule your call right now.
All right, working moms, till next week, let's get to it.
